i love you to the moon and back

Art.

I’ve never felt more satisfied. This feeling returns everytime I am fed with glimpses or artworks at a gallery, visually- inspiring images, or even now with my regular portion of art lectures. It is exhilarating.

My mind is running, my eyes are twinkling and my ears are ringing as they pass, and it’s this sensation – and satisfaction – that I, sadly, cannot grasp and retain but only in fading memory. And I’m flung into the depths of my desires – not struggling to get out, but willingly drowning in contentment. It’s the kind of self-fulfillment that everyone aspires to, in their own relentless pursuit for happiness.

But alas, this was not meant to be. I think back again of my identity – not the foolish deluded earthling that persists in seeking nothing but pleasure, but my unseen identity hidden in my Maker. The knowledge that I am not my own is life- and mind-changing and I’ve come to understand that it demands more than submission, but in actual, surrendering. I know my Maker loves and protects me, and wants the best for me, but it’s still hard to see beyond this father figure to His sovereignty. In the course of surrender, I cannot deny the inner turmoil and the bizarrity of all that this “father” puts in my way. In a sense, my unquenched human desire battles against the since-fulfilled desire of an eternal Lover. And I think that many a time guilt arises whenever I allow the former to eclipse the latter desire.

It’s a constant struggle to recognise and live out the Truth – not grudgingly, but fully and self-lessly. Especially when it cannot be seen but can merely be felt. I pray I can stand under the (al)lure of the tangible, to see beyond what this world provides.

I went out jogging tonight even though I knew I should be doing something else. I seem to always face this dilemma - as an avid but undisciplined jogger who refuses to go running earlier in the late afternoons until she feels willing enough to put on her (sloppy) attire and step out of the house. By then it's nine thirty ten and she knows better than to be out that "late".

Tonight though was a worthwhile sacrifice. I jogged myself to the park and felt like running endless rounds with the help of earphones plugged with my favourite Cantopops. I had a set of reading to do, my weekly timetable to plan and a sadness to get over, but yes I also had calories to burn. So there, I had to make a generally least favourite option of getting myself sweaty. And I wanted to take the time as well to get over a recent disappointment which I hoped adrenaline could gush away.

It's thrilling to run with people beside (more so, running past them! :P) and I guess tonight I was near optimum - itching for a few more rounds after the tenth. I hardly feel this gratified. I enjoyed the run, the songs, the people, the moonlight, and was on the verge of settling in a bench to take in the scenery! I stopped short though and made my way home after realising the time.

I had to say it was a refreshing run... with God =) Though it was a wilful decision (to go out running then), I'm still glad I made time to sort things out with Him, and not allow reality to get the better of me. It just so happened that my QT for this morning was on building a foundation of Trust now in preparation for future crises, and here on the day itself it had to be shaken. Yet again I am challenged to stand firm and overcome the temptation to doubt.

Now that I'm home and recalling this, I'm glad to say I've managed to find reassurance after the albeit short struggle. I wonder if it's the adrenaline or whether it was simply pleasure, but either way God has a hand - even in the most mundane of events.

最近看所谓年度大戏《溏心风暴之家好月圆》看多了感触良多。不擅长把感想写成部落格的我突然有这股冲动，想记下对《家》的几段回忆。
其实《家》看上去如你一般看的亲情、友情、爱情交织的电视剧，但我觉得让《家》这部戏最突出的是“亲情”的element - 几乎每一集让我颇为感动的是荷妈与6兄弟姐妹和谐、融洽的关系。6个孩子之间也交出了不少火花，有时觉得他们那么亲密暖和的感情实在太让观众羡慕！我当然不能否认这种感情在今日已很少看见，但目睹他们情同手足、同心协力不时也感到窝心 =)

哈哈！现在就在想钟嘉欣、林峯与黄宗泽饰演的角色即将展开的三角恋情。每部连戏剧怎能少得了爱情呢？起初觉得（小）好与（素）心颇亲的兄妹情还真奇妙 - 两人从小玩到大，如俗称的“金童玉女”，但不管他们彼此有多么的怀念往事，怀念往日在一起的时光，为对方感动... 也不见得他们为彼此动心。而正如他俩的感情似是有发展的当儿，偶然又出现了英俊潇洒、风度翩翩的男医生凌B（信）。为人体贴，性格爽朗，正好是感情脆弱、文静内向的于素心的好对象。两人恰好同一年生，曾经躺在同一间宝宝房里... 小时候又刚好出席了同一场赛跑（他夺了冠军，她做“拉拉妹”）。两人多少共享一些回忆，还挺有趣。但让我惊奇的是他们才交了几个星期的朋友，感情立即有了新发展。心因段时间不见信而开始忧虑，想念他，直至上网看了他的部落格才更了解他，同情他的遭遇。日久生情的心终于在信重现的那一刻，不假思索地涌进他怀抱。这时自己不免觉得这进展还有点唐突。但无论如何，两人首次饰情侣是有新鲜感，大家不妨观赏这含有的精彩 =)

呵， 就到这吧。不经常打中文字的我有点累了 =P 接下来的剧集还有你我看！

Oh shucks, when I look into the readings from my newest ADM module (Contemporary SEAn Art) - feels so much like I can't wait to dive into them! And together with this burst of excitement comes that tinge of bitterness that I thought had long left me. I think part of me still regrets not getting into art/design school and doing my passion, though practically speaking I'm not meant for that. My learning and working style probably doesn't fit. Haha it's still a gleeful thought that I didn't get myself into that :P

But ARGH, I'm just falling in love with art history... now and then. Not that I was superb when I took it at A levels (in fact I was struggling bleah), but I guessed it got me hooked. I haven't got to visit the museum or the art gallery after all that hype (of planning to do so) during the holidays. Oh man! But yeah taking this module does give me a good excuse to spend (more) time in such places. Hehe ;)

What makes my heart ache even more is the cultivated passion I have for Linguistics that fares so miserably beside that which I've always had for art. It hurts to have to channel passion elsewhere =( Hmm I don't wanna make myself moan and groan about my apparent misfortune, but it's still a mystery why God put me in Linguistics at NTU. I've been finding reasons all this while, but as in cases like this that occasionally pop up I find myself back to where I was a year or so ago.

Which is better: To be brimming with ideas or to be rewarded with brilliant answers after racking your brain? I wished I didn't have to struggle to excel, though I know they say "no pain, no gain" and that thinking harder does do your brain cells some good =) Oh well, I don't know what to feel anymore, after having had a couple of "relapses". Time just goes on, and though I really can't turn back time, it still doesn't beat walking the path alone. At least now, I know who holds my hand.

:)

I never knew how inadequate I was until I was silenced by the sound of a man's great thoughts, expressed with such awe and confidence. They were thoughts that were beyond my imagination and as I sat seeing him pour out his creativity, I was sparked- with awe, and sadly a tinge of envy. My heart sank as I recall being struck dumb whenever the person of resources and inspiration gets his turn to speak, for I know I have nothing more worthy to offer. And that might be why teamwork doesn't seem to last for me- I'm an insecure team player hungering for success, but never obtaining success.
 ---
I am found again in my deepest thoughts by the prompting of a fixated gaze, but being discouraged by the upsetting memories say nothing but nod in agreement. Yet again have I disappointed, and being in a position of leadership feels worse.

I know it's said that "God doesn't choose the qualified, but He qualifies the chosen". Yes, I have been entrusted my post together with my dreams, vision and convictions.. but sometimes I feel I can't do the things I want/ed to. I think that my achievements are what I can boast about, when I stop short to think about Whom I'm serving. Amazingly, this Master whom I'm serving is no ordinary master!- indeed he is a master who empowers those he has chosen to serve him; we are no slaves or employees always striving to impress our boss with our own abilities. Yes and as his servant, I have inherited the power He has promised!

Now, my confidence shall not lie in my own abilities, strengths and talents, but lie in the One who first chose me. I want to make my boast in the Lord! May I put off all pride and envy, and humble myself to receive from others better than myself and more so from my Heavenly Master! For didn't He tell us to "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves"? Lord, help me to heed your command!

It's been the longest while since I last updated till I thought I didn't wanna blog no more. Guess it's partly 'cause I've channeled most of my thoughts into a daily (devotion) journal I've been keeping. There're just too many thoughts to pin down at this point in time, but for keepsake and sanity I suppose it's good to unpack my clogged mind, just a little.

volunteering @ YFC :
It's been a whole lot of fun, nothing less. Been school-touring to publicise the big event called PlayMax, making small talk with the kids at the secondary schools (mostly), discovering the fun (eh, non-serious) side of me and just letting my hair down. I just wanna mention how exciting meaningful it is to meet new people and make friendship with them at every possible meeting.. though I suppose most will remain acquaintances given the short timespan I have. I try my hand at evangelism (street E, sharing/explaining the Gospel) which I was never that passionate about. But hearing the Gospel afresh has been mind-changing, and I'm beginning to love how the basis of our faith (this Good News of Salvation) can move from transforming how I think to how I act and live.

CF exco-ing:
We're always in action, haha partly cus of our odd sleeping hours =P. This bunch is so passionate, lovely and exuberant! Many issues and decisions have arose within this short span of time, sometimes to the point of overwhelming, and I can't help but worry about dealing with them during the school term. I guess we're still at the stage where many plans have yet to be set in stone and and sadly we are still fidgety about suggested plans. It's like we take a couple of steps forward then take a step back. Like the game of Boggle? - we can't start to play the game till we've got all our blocks in place; we don't get a clear picture till everything settles and no one else raises any (major) doubt. Right now, we have reservations of kinds which makes it hard to move forward. =(

ministry in gen:
FOCUS, is the magic word. It's been on my lips but I've never got to say it. Mumble I may, talk in my dreams I may.. but I'm convinced this is something that needs to be said loud and clear. I've been in limbo about my ministry (or more specifically my Christian service) as I pause and see how much I have on my plate. I persist in whopping everything up but am starkly reminded that "obedience is better than sacrifice". I think I need to take a step back and start praying I can find focus and a central purpose for my service. Right now, pray I won't get tied up in much ministry work that revolves around BAY, CF and YFC. Whoa.

I hope I don't stay too long in "secured area" unwilling to step out to reach the lost. I just find myself being too comfortable in Christian company I lose sight of my mission to witness and be "salt and light". I need to get outta here!

Excited, not because I am now officially in the Exco.
Excited, not because I know I was voted in by a good majority.
Excited, not because people thought I made a good speech.

But excited, because now I have all the reasons to pour out my life for His ministry on campus (and ideally beyond).

And the feeling of JOY that I can't contain tells me I was never wrong, and I know He is pleased.

I watch as they stroll in one by one, apparently oblivious to the time. They cock their heads to the back of the hall, grinning at whoever notices their arrival. Greeted with blank stares and fixated gazes, they take their places in clusters and corners, quickly becoming part of the onlooking crowd. 

As I glance across the back of the room, I notice the familiar groupings, I hear the distinct voices, but strangely I am not drawn to any of those. I take a little walk around the room, trying to sense a magnetic-like pull that will instantly plant me within the mingling crowd. I let my feet take me to the front where people are (nervously) preparing songs and manage a remark that interestingly garners a giggle.. and a greeting. =). Feeling comfortable, I sit myself down and start small talk, allowing myself to take in the atmosphere. 

Finally with a smile, I float to the back of the room and find myself locked in conversation with someone I hadn't seen for a while. The fine exchange seemed to draw me in, till I could feel something being lifted and my face lit up. It was a liberation of some sort I cannot explain, because in the following minutes I saw myself butting into the various clusters, getting people to the centre of the hall. It was as if I had Iost the reins, as I threw out random remarks, poked fun.. and even did a palm wrestle (whatever you call it).

And in the last minutes of my emotional struggle, I whispered a prayer of thanks before diving into the afternoon set before me. There was so much to be done.

My prayer is for God to rekindle my love for my youths.

I feel I'm worn, dry and aimless. I don't have a vision, my passion's drained and I'm just walking every Friday like a routine. It's saddening to find I'm chained to my past commitment and can't make a decision contrary to that. It's difficult to break away, because I know I will be made accountable.
 
But tonight I got a nudge from Him, for me to stop thinking down the path of no return. I was taught to fall in love- with people, and in the context of ministry to fall in love with youths. This was something I resolved to do at the start of this year, but I supposed it faded somehow. And even as I struggle to find a calling in my church youth ministry, I am heartened that at the least I have my friendship to offer and more so, a heart to offer. My passion for them might have waned, but my passion for God has never been. I know that it is only through Him that I can love once again and be filled again, despite my weariness and inadequacy. 

It's said that "perfect love drives out fear" and so my earnest prayer for tonight is for Him to light the fire in me. Jesus, teach me to love as you loved.
  

When I slipped up this time, thankfully God pulled me back. There I go again- making three steps and then taking two back. 

When I decided to lead DGs and seriously think about the people on my heart, I really gave my all in praying and asking for His will to be in this. I trusted that the names He'd give me were meant to be. And despite realising that these people were hardly people I knew, I still trusted and spoke of the burden openly. I think that was bold of me, but then again it's faith in action I guess. I chose to take Him at His word and not have second thoughts. 

Now several problems have cropped up. One being that in spite of my willingness to serve in DGs, I still feel oddly unprepared. Second and more pressing is that the people I'm looking to have have not formally committed themselves to this nor have they been coming (much less regularly) of late. It's worrying yes, but thing is I'm letting it get the better of me. I know I'll lead a DG but how to if there's no one in it? DGs are about ministering to people and if there're none it makes no sense to lead a DG. And somehow I'm just wondering why the people I have in mind just happen not to be "within reach".

It's saddening, but I'm still praying and hoping there might be a turn of events.. not for too great a miracle, because all I'm asking for now is just for one person to come.

This time when I nearly doubted myself, by the grace of God I was reminded that He chose me, not I Him. I was brought back to the passage on Jesus being the vine and us the branches. It is an illustration that we are IN Him and that He chose us to bear fruit, fruit that will last. We grew out of Him and so are to flourish.. but only if we remain in Him. A timely reminder which pulled me back and made me ashamed of myself trying to break away in face of the odds.
 
So, I'm glad He called me back and knocked sense into me. And yes, I will trudge on and believe He will deliver. Just as it's said in 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline", I will persevere therefore! (thanks cherie =))

Palm trees give a red carpet welcome.

The persistent chirping of birds fades into the background as I am quickly capivated by the reflections on the lake and the stillness of waters.

It is peaceful.

I hope back onto the bus as the park is left out of sight. I am on wheels again, after a long but tranquil.. maybe surreal walk along the park. I remember the lake making everything look so strangely surreal. The park was like a haven.

:)

It could contain my nonsensical idiosyncratic acts of taking random photoshots, skipping, singing (humming), hobbling around like no one's business. It gave me a freedom I'd never find elsewhere in the bustle of school life. I know it'd be a while before this unique feeling returns and I know I'm gonna miss the restlessness and tranquility of vacation life.

Still, I take comfort that such unforgettable memories will continue to reside within.
 

Even as I sit in stillness with my "Closer to God" devotional lying open, I am at peace with myself, and with God. It's been a while since I ever got to sit at the feet of my Lord, alone and in the dead of the night. Time spent with Him seldom lasts more than 5 minutes because I always catch Him at a time my eyelids threaten to close.

I try to seize those brief moments of silence with my God, the God of my life. And I hear Him say, "Come."

My mind is enmeshed with thoughts of watchnight, DGs, school reopening, my recent holiday and somehow something seems to yell its way into my mind- the many revelations of late. It's really when you least expect it that these things come into place and it's only after a series of events that one finds how miraculously the pieces fit so well together. =) Maybe that's what they call "ways we cannot see". And I am yet reminded that He is real, and He is good.

Today's passage talks about the shepherds (of all people!) being told of Jesus' birth, and on hearing the good news spring to their feet to find the baby Jesus. It seems surreal to have a host of angels appearing to a group of lowly shepherds, what more in singing and jubilation, but yet these unworthy shepherds reacted instantly to the message. Divine revelation was indeed convincing. And this I related to my own divine appointment- to have been chosen as God's own, to be His child and disciple. I thought of undeserved grace and feeling guilty of my misdeeds I started confessing, spilling out all the unfaithful deeds I'd done. In the silence was where boldness stole its way up. Whatever I couldn't say at first I could now say without fear. Power of the Word. 

It had been a long while since I could be still, burdens cast with my focus entirely on God. I felt genuine and sincere even though I was alone where no one knew. Yeah, I felt exactly like I was sitting at Jesus' feet, ready for Him to anoint me once again. I was unhurried, took my time and listened. I sought and indeed as it says in Jeremiah, we will find Him if we seek Him with all our heart, mind and soul. So God, for you being so real, I believe.

"Who is already in my life?" stood out for me, as I was ploughing my way through this small group leading guidebook given me by Serene (it's my second time reading it). That was part of the chapter on shepherding which I thought humbling because I was reminded that small group leaders as "shepherds" are under the authority of Jesus, our Chief Shepherd. It just made me realise how the previous two steps of seeking and surrendering were vital for me to proceed on.

The question became all the more significant only when I recently felt drawn closer to one of my regular friends. Though she isn't a Christian (yet, I hope!), many one-on-one encounters with her has prompted me to take the relationship one step further. For a moment, I was convinced that I wanted to invest in the friendship and take it deeper. This friend of mine has been with me for nearly three years and I can say she's very much been part of my life since JC and still is in university. We've shared a great deal of our lives with each other and have remained in fairly close contact throughout, I'm heartened to say. She's just like one of the first few persons I think of when one mentions "friend".

That being said, I really cherish her and am likewise blessed to be one she can call a friend. Progress in our relationship is unintentional, but I'm amazed at how much we've grown closer and mature in our view of the friendship (together with five others). And when posed with that question of who is/are already in my life (as a start to choosing one's group members), I am brought back to memories of friendships that have been worked on (consciously or unconsciously), of which our friendship stood out. Lately, we've been griping about hall life and how unsuited we are to independent living, and I discovered that we had much in common! That was one thing that brought us closer and I believe that thoughts of going down to meet and encourage her in between exams (a month back) and planning outings for ourselves were just God-given intentions that allowed our friendship to deepen. Everything seemed to flow according to some... plan.

Truly, I've become more aware and appreciative of the people and relationships in my life and I think I'm witness to how an initial concern for someone important to me can become a burden. With time. I'm grateful for for the friendships I already have (in fact, taken ownership of) and in fact all that I have, for I know that in time God can turn them into precious gems stored up in heaven for eternity. I don't seek to be given new people whom I can take with me on life's journey, but I'm convinced that what I should be doing is to take stock of what has been (instead of what will be) and further it. I have to take the good things and like they say, zeng it. Better it. Better better it.

So now I need to pray for a good memory to recall all the has beens and for the discernment to ensure that only the good and worthy has beens are brought into 2009. (For the bad things that continue to plague me, pray for gradual disembarkation.)

Well then cheers to a good year ahead!

Let me take this chance to declare that "BAY camp is finally over!!!"

Not that I dreaded camp, but because I can safely say that I am now afloat after having taken the plunge (more accurately the many plunges). I know that many more plunges await me but for now I am contented that I've been kept alive and breathing by my awesome God. Though I am now floating, I feel myself quite drained from all the incredible things that have happened at camp. This camp demanded so much more out of me and being unprepared didn't help. I was quickly overtaken by the amount of responsibilities I had on hand- I unthinkingly agreed to co-lead worship, took up a devotional session by mere faith and jumped right into co-leading a group. The many things I undertook kinda made me seem I had a finger in every pie, something I initially felt quite bad about. But coming from another perspective, if that was considered taking a leap of faith (a few leaps), I'd gladly take the plunge. And "Plunge" being the theme of the camp seemed to goad me into boldly taking all of 'em up. It also give me the authority to step into the unseen, unknown and untouched. And so with a spirit of fearlessness, I dived in.

My boldness brought me to a new position as a leader, which meant I no longer was under the care of my "mentor" (someone whom I never really acknowledged but whom I hold close to heart) who was always on the lookout for me. While I was once guided and closely shepherded, I now had to be more initiative to guide the "sheep" under my care. It was quite a major turnaround for me with the drastic switch of roles. Yet because I plunged in with faith, I knew that God had gone before me. I couldn't just diligently take notes, but had to think about how I could translate these notes into valuable lessons for my group members. I had to ask questions, which I hardly did in my previous role as a camper. What was mentally draining gradually seemed to be spiritually draining as I had to put my members before myself and constantly pray and watch out for them. My personal time was compromised and I realised I hadn't the time to consider my own needs. 

Moreover, the dismaying thought that I no longer was under my mentor's loving and watchful eye kept my spirits low. Apart from feeling tired and drained, I felt I had lost the support of a sister so dear to me. I felt I was very dependent on her reassurance and appraisal of my performance, that her apparent absence seemed almost devastating. Her silence even even when present was saddening, perhaps because I tended to look to her every now and then for a word of encouragement. That aside, I hardly had anyone to turn to to reflect my deepest thoughts and slowly found myself slipping into a state of disillusionment. Not severely though, thank God. I guessed I thrived too much on my mentor's praise and support that I could find no other source that would keep me going. Though I knew it was ultimately GOD I was pleasing, it bothered me that I couldn't share this joy of serving with another person. I kinda felt like I was a car running low on petrol with no one to fuel my passion.

I know that only God should be my source of strength, hope and joy but I really needed a someone who has taken hold of that to come convince and assure me. If not why does God give us fellowship? But indeed God gave us each other so that we can learn and gain from one another! So, I think I have a reason to be hurt, but more so I want to commit my relationships into Thy loving hands and find solace in Thy mighty power and sovereign plan. 

Lord, I pray you guard my spiritual relationships and point me back to You as my genuine source of strength and wisdom. Amen. 

Thank you God for an answered prayer, for I was very ministered to during today's worship. The songs we sang and the lyrics meditated upon resonated so well with the situation I was and still am in, so much that I almost cried out in worship to the Faithful One. We sang about how God's grace is enough for us and how faithful and enduring He is. And "grace" was something that kept occurring in my mind throughout service that I couldn't help but relate it to my "miss home" syndrome. It's something I've been grappling with ever since I moved in to my on-campus hostel, and something I have yet to find a cure to. It has been rather vexing trying to find the cause of it, but indeed there is no greater comfort than having committed it to Him and hearing from Him. And for this I also am truly thankful.

This is not an exposition of the passage, but something that struck me during bible study this evening which I hadn't a chance to share about.

Drawing our attention to verse 10,

So exciting, I think I'm just caught up with the notion of art masterpieces! And I think I can fully understand what it feels like to complete a piece of art =) It's no less than an incomparable, overflowing sense of accomplishment, I guarantee you. And so right now, I want to strive to be that work of art that He will find that great a satisfaction in. 

This morning felt really different, for a number of reasons. I had one of my favourite tutorials at a different place, had breakfast at one of the other canteens and was consciously looking forward to being home later at noontime. It was clearly that feeling of anticipation that got me up out of bed despite feeling I could steal a few more winks.

And so, a good day started out with an early tutorial class, and an eye-candy tutor (or so they thought). Oh, we got a pop quiz that morning too before class started proper. Refreshing and timely I thought. I was going to find out how much my studying was worth.

Dealt with a wee bit of disappointment, I made my way out to join my meal buddies hoping a good hearty breakfast would dispel all of it. Filling one's stomach could never be so gratifying. Apart from satisfying the indulgences of the tastebuds, it would keep me occupied with devising ways in which I could shed all the weight later on, enough to keep my mind off the disappointment. And with that in mind, I sat myself down together with three other friends before heading off to satisfy my craving.

I had egg prata and with curry topping, which wasn't that great though I was first to finish. Afterwhich, I sat looking on as the others busied themelves with their eating utensils and the food. Okay, so I went off to get myself a nice cup of teh-O, readying myself for a good leisurely talk after the meal.

It was a clear, steaming-hot dose of tea. A while since I did without milk. 

"Isn't that chinese tea?"
"Oh nono, it's english tea, without milk.. but yea, with sugar. It's what they call teh-O."
...
"As in 'Tee-O'." 

Series of laughter follow, while I sat puzzled at the sudden outburst. Hmm, I thought I was being helpful, and infomative at that.

"(giggles some more).. She's asking... what the 'O' means."
"OH it means 'without milk' (implied addition of sugar)."
"Huh, then how d'you ask for tea without milk nor sugar?"
"Eh.. I dunno leh! Hmm, teh-si? No that is tea with sugar. Ohya they also have teh siu-dai, which is tea with less milk."
"What does '-si' mean?"
"Actually I also dunno. Er I only know 'siu' means 'less' and 'dai' milk."
"(chuckles) Aiyo Rachael, don't tell us so many things if you not sure, lah. (laughs still)" 

Oh well, the talk wasn't heading anywhere. It was pure nonsense, as was brought to my attention. She didn't know how to mince her words. Moreover, the conversation seemed to be further embedded in laughter even as I carried on. I resolved not to embarrass myself further and so I feigned indifference, shrugging off the laughter. Or was it jesting? I seriously suspected there was something sinister about her laughing, and I didn't like it at all. She seemed patronising with her giggling and no sooner were her utterances punctuated with laughter. It was disturbing, even though I always thought a good dose of laughter is remedy to the soul. It just triggered the sensitive side of me which wasn't going to help.. 

As I sensed the conversation was turning awry, I looked over to the friend who had been complaining about the bad prata and made a quick comment saying what a waste it was. We all agreed and as we frowned on, the other friend beside me gobbled down the last bit of sugared cheese prata, while the resident laughing queen stifled her laughter. I thought she was going to let out a burp. 

An all-silence signalled the closure of the session. We all stood up and went our ways. Finally, I ceased wondering about the conversation we just had, with (study) plans for the rest of the day slowly crowding my mind.

It saddens me to know my parents haven't come to accept my involvement in youth ministry at church, and it hurts even more when they don't think much of the programmes we plan. I know I hardly talk to them about ministry and so they're left to form impressions about my involvement, the youths, the leaders and all, which only recently struck me as flawed and misguided. I realised that as a result of not communicating with them, their impressions have worsened and conclusions too quickly made. It looks like being passive is akin to irresponsibility. Even though many a time I feel compelled to make a statement, I have never felt convicted enough stand up against those flawed impressions.